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Sunday, May 4, 2014

Rapture-Palooza a Netflix Movie Review

Rapture Palooza Poster
This movie tricked me and I’m not to proud of that. I’m fact it down right pissed me pissed me off. The synopsis on Netflix made it sound interesting enough; I even watched the trailer on YouTube and it looked funny. Unfortunately every funny parts in the trailer. Rapture-Palooza started out great; the set-up is perfect! Half the world was Raptured, the rest of the world is left in apocalyptic wasteland. There are biblical plagues out the wazoo! The biblical satire and set up of this movie are great. Fire and brimstone falls from the sky, it rains blood, there is a plague of evil insects and demonic wraiths. There is one zombie yeah only one. The events of the end-times have become nothing more than reality TV shows. People are YouTube-ing the raptures and Wraith kills; some of which are pretty funny. The Wraiths are nothing more than disgusting stoners. The Antichrist is Craig Robinson who you might recognize from The Office, Hot Tub Time Machine, or Zack and Miri Make a Porno.  I liked the choice of Seattle as the epicenter of the apocalypse and headquarters of the Antichrist. 

The Wraith tries to buy drugs.
This movie probably would have worked better as Saturday Night Live sketch. The premise was good but all the jokes seem stretched out. There are a few laughable moments but they can’t save this movie. Shortly after the 10 minute mark is where this movie starts to fall apart. With the arrival of foul-mouthed crows that seem to have tourettes syndrome, spewing out profanity. The crows aren’t even the raunchiest part. The script is full of outrageous and disgusting innuendo. I guess for shock value, but all it comes across as juvenile. I can handle crude humor but it needs to be clever and witty; the jokes in this movie aren’t. This movie has the humor of a joke told by a 10-year-old. Actually I’m pretty sure a 5th grade joke is funnier. I’m serious it’s like they are telling the same stupid joke over and over again. I can’t even fathom how anyone over the age of 12 would find this movie even remotely entertaining. Is the average movie goer really this obsessed with dick & fart jokes? I don’t understand how movies like this keep getting made. My god this movie is horrible; and this is coming from a guy who loves bad movies. 

**Spoiler Alert!!! If I can actually "spoil" this movie**

Anna Kendrick, John Francis Daley, Rapture-Palooza
It’s like the director had a great idea for a movie but it never got past the idea stage. Most of the characters in this movie aren’t really developed I had no connection to the story. The two leads are presented as teenagers but played by actors who are pushing 30. Anna Kendrick who is best known for the “Cups” song and playing Jessica Stanley in the Twilight Saga; who is allegedly an innocent virgin. Her counterpart is John Francis Daley is more believable as an awkward teen. Daley is best known for playing Sam Weir on Freaks and Geeks. Neither of the leads are likeable I didn’t really care what happened to them.  Lindsey (Kendrick) is like a deer-in-the-headlights always gazing awkwardly into the camera. Ben (Daley) follows her around like a lost puppy stuck in the perpetual ‘friend-zone’ but he’s her fiancé. We are to believe they are high-school sweethearts but they have about zero romantic chemistry.

 When we meet the Antichrist (Craig Robinson) or ‘The Beast’ as he prefers; he isn’t scary or threatening. The Beast is more like a creepy Junior High teacher or maybe a perverted uncle. Once he learns that Lindsey is a (30-year-old) virgin he has to have her. The Beast tries to woo her with sleazy innuendo. Of course this doesn’t work so he gives her an ultimatum; she has 12 hours to come have sex with him or he will kill her entire family. The movie just goes from bad to even worse. I’ve seen better writing and humor on bathroom walls!!! The Beast tries his smoothest forms of seduction; if you can call it that. He spews out a nonstop heap of innuendo; he makes everything about sex or gentiles. Again I swear a 10-year-old boy wrote this script. Come on the freaking devil is suave he should have an edgy swagger. Is he the antichrist or just her naughty uncle? The Beast should be a master of seduction not some gross disgusting pervert. The middle act of this movie just turns into a very long rape-gag. 

Craig Robinson as the Beast
The climax is probably the worst part of this of this movie. After Lindsey empties the clip of a gun into the Beast instead of killing him he becomes the devil on earth! Then Ben accidentally kills Jesus as he ascends on the earth with this giant laser thingy! Ken Jeong (of The Hangover fame) plays none other than the almighty God himself. As you can imagine he is really pissed off that they killed his son.  Can guess what happens next? Yeah that’s right readers they decide to kill both God & the Devil! I couldn’t even make this crap up if I wanted to it's actually that badly written. Once they kill both supreme beings everyone lives happily ever after in Hell on Earth …I guess? 

Rating:   Yawn, I Fell Asleep (I truly wish I was Raptured)

Buy Now on DVD! if you must.

check out the trailer below...

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